2005年 9月 06日

NameP

投稿者 by at 16:53 / カテゴリ: / 188 コメント / 0 TrackBack

なんて登場させるのが遅いんだ!と
責められても仕方ないですが、
NamePという私にとって大切な妹について
遅ればせながらペンを取ります。(実際はペン持ってないけど)

NamePとは学年で2つ違いですが、
実質1年半しか年齢の違わない姉妹です。

そのせいか、そのせいじゃないのか、
小さいときから背もあまり変わらず(私が小さく、NamePが大きかった)
いつもお揃いの服を着て、いつも一緒に遊び、
いつも一番近くにいて、とても仲良く育ちました。

もちろん、今でも仲が良いです。

でもそれは、姉妹としてではなく、親友に近いものと思っています。
(普通の姉妹も、こんなもんなのかもしれないけど~)

当然ながら、同じ親を持ち、同じ環境で育ち、
同じ価値観を持って生きてきました。

14歳下(NamePにとっては12歳下)の妹が生まれるまでは
二人姉妹でしたから、小学校時代といえば
二段ベッドの上と下で毎晩ずーっと今日あったことや
最近の悩みごとやらを話していたように思います。
よく夜中までキャッキャッと喋り続けていたので
母に半ギレで「早く寝なさい!」と怒られていましたが★

私は家でNamePと遊ぶのが好きだったので
「友達と遊ぶ」という感覚はあまりなかったです。
家に帰ればNamePがいるからそれで良かったし、
どこかに遊びに行くときはNamePも一緒でした。

小学4年ぐらいのときに、NamePとコープさんへおつかいに行った帰り、
道路を走る車に注意しながら手をつないで歩いているときに
「私が妹を守らなければ!」という妙な使命感におそわれたのを
とてもよく覚えています。

それまでは「妹」という感覚はなかった気がします。
まぁ背丈も同じぐらいだし、NamePのほうが明らかに
小さいときからしっかりしていたので
どちらかというと私が頼っている関係でしたし(苦笑)
「同士」というカンジで「一緒にいるべき人」でした。

ただ、このときが一番「自分より小さい守るべきもの」ということを
意識できる年齢だったというだけのことだと思います。
(小4と小2という差が)
それからは少し、自分の責任というもの、面倒を見るということを
理解できるようになった気がします。

とはいえ、何かあると「NamePに話す・聞く」という習慣は
まったく変わらず、「妹」というよりは「親友」であり「同士」であり続け、
でも「守らなくてはいけない妹」という感覚は
そのとき以来、今も変わらずあり続けています。

高校を過ぎたあたりからは、さすがに同じ環境ではなくなり
暮らす場所や学校も変わり、一緒にいる時間も減っていきました。

そして、たぶん、価値観もずいぶん違うものになったと思います。

生き様も違うものになっていると思います。

けれど、同じところで生まれ育ち、一緒にお風呂に入り、
一緒に本を読んだり勉強したりTVを見たり、時々ケンカをしたり、
いつの間にか仲直りをしたり、悩みを相談しあったり、
一緒に夫婦喧嘩を固唾を飲んで見守ってハラハラしたり、
小さい妹が生まれて育つのを見守ってドキドキしたり。

これだけは私達が同じ目線で共有してきたことで
決して消えてなくならない記憶で、とても大切なものだから。
共有した時間と記憶があるからこそ、価値観が変わっても生き様が違っても
わかりあえる同士で有り続けられると信じています。

そして有り難いことに、まったく違うモノの考え方をする人がいても
「違うものだ」と拒否せずに、それをそのまま受け入れるという考え方は
NamePがいるからこそ、私の中に生まれたのだと思います。

私とNamePは違う人間だけど、同士であり親友で、
理解しようと努力しあえるからです。
そして、これは「姉妹だから」でも「同士だから」でもなく、
他の人であっても同じだと思えるようになりました。

理解しあおうと努力をすること、違っても共存できるということ
これは社会に生きる上でとても大切なことで・・・

NamePのおかげです。

そして、NamePが幸せに生きることは
「もう一人の違う私」が幸せになることと同じ、と思っています。

この感覚は逆に、妹であるNamePだけではなく
私の友達に対しても同じように考えられるようになりました。

友達みんなを「違う価値観を持った私」と思えば、
違いを受け止められ、幸せになって良かった、
何かあったときは力になれることはないか、と考えられるからです。

ここまで書いて、表現の仕方がまずいために、
なんか頭がおかしくなってる人みたいに
思われそうな気がしてきたので止めますが。。。(苦笑)

とにかく、
NamePは私にとって、かけがえのない妹である、
NamePのおかげで今の自分がある、ということを
やっとこ日記に書くことができてホッとしました。

うーん、ちゃんと伝わったでしょうか?
NamePと私の「姉妹感」(笑)
って、私の一方的な感覚だったりしてー!(ひえ~)

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コメント

ありがとう、RENさん!(感激してこれ以上コメントしづらいですぅ!)

えっと。(まず涙を拭こう・・・苦笑)
私にとっても「かけがえのない姉」であり、「親友」であり「同志」です。(←同士より・・・)

「私はこう思っているから相手も思いは同じはずだ」ということが大きな間違いであることに初めて気付いたのは、私も、姉であるRENさんが同じ出来事を見ても違う感覚で捉えていたことを後で聞いて知った時でした。

こういう話はフツウに生きてる日本人同士って、大切な姉妹でもしないことが多いんだろうけど・・・改めて「大切に思っています」と伝え合えることができて、心から嬉しいです。たまたま「久しぶりにPCを立ち上げて写真日記を更新しよ~」とした日に、新しいこの日記が読めて幸運でした。
本当に嬉しかったです。遅くは無いです!(笑)ここに入れてもらえて予想外でした。
感謝しています。ありがとう。


このサイトを企画して構築して立ち上げてくれたVULにも感謝、コラムを寄せてくれるRENさんにも感謝、そして読んでくださっている皆様にも感謝しています。
あぁ、人間って温かいな~って思える幸せな自分が羨ましい!(*^_^*)

投稿者:  NameP   at 2005年09月07日 04:10

うわっ!「同士」じゃなくて「同志」だよね。。。
違う意味で涙拭うわ・・・(よよよ)

ちょうど更新してすぐ読んでもらえて良かったです☆

それに一人よがりじゃなかったみたいだし♪

今後ともよろしくお願いします!

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